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Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death. Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
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What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress
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Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? "Without Information Fighting Everytime" Wife replies," No, It means , "With Idiot For Ever!!!"
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Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
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Teacher: u know the importance of period? Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
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Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ??? No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
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Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!
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Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex. Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know. Mother Faints...
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Oniomania is another word for the urge to shop till you drop, habit of the debit, thrill of the bill. According to a pearl of ancient wisdom, we don't acquire things, things acquire us. In the case of oniomaniacs, it is perhaps the fun of acquiring things that acquires them.
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things... While the women STUCK to shopping.....
CORPORATE LESSON # 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up hershower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing overwhich one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up,quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When sheopens the door,there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 just to dropthat towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the womandrops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close lookat her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back upin the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom,her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
MORAL OF THE STORY:Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to preventavoidable exposure!
CORPORATE LESSON # 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; hestopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got inand crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveala lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. Aftercontrolling the car,he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him andimmediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to removehis eyes from her leg.
Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her legagain. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glanceand went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushedto retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said," Go forth andseek; further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great Opportunities!
CORPORATE LESSON # 3
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEOstanding in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and importantdocument and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on,inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared insidethe machine." I just need one copy."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and aFrench, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed thebottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him outof the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I willgive each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, youshout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish willcome true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped andshouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. TheFrenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" andimmersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was socontented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool whensuddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool andshouted, "SH**!!!!!!!………"
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.
"I simply want a raise in my salary", says an employee to his boss "There are two more companies after me."
The boss says"Oh, I see there are two more companies after you.
May I please have the pleasure of knowing the names of these companies."
Pleadingly the employee replies" the electric company and the telephone company".
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing."Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much."Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?""Yes, of course," she replied."Well, I would have been released tonight."
There were three men: one from Ohio, one from Virginia and one from West Virginia. They all took their wives to dinner for their anniversary.The man from Ohio said, "Pass the honey, honey."The man from Virgina said, "Pass the sugar, sugar."And the man from West Virgina said, "Pass the tea, bag!!"
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name.
"Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?A: The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator and goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
Non Veg
1. College mein chemistry ka lecture chal raha tha. Teacher ne ek ladki se poocha, What are nitrates? Ladki sharmate hue boli-Sir they are costlier than day rates!
2. Man trying to avoid doc fee after eye operation says he can't see.Doctor asks a sxy nurse to undress in front of him. He again says, I can't see.Doc asks nurse to open her legs. Again he says I can't see. Doc replied- M****c**d toh L**d Kaise khada ho gaya..?
3. Ek teacher classroom mein bachon ko daantey hue bola 'Mein jab naram hota hoon toh bahut naram hota hoon aur jab sakhat hota hoon toh bahut sakhat hota hoon.'
Ek bachey ne jawab diya'Sir aap toh bilkul mere L**d jaise ho'!
4.Ques:Why do girls put on weight after losing VIRGINITY?Ans: Beacuse every Banana contains 108 Calories.....!!!
5. A man keeps his new born son's name Pakistan. Why?Taaki mein duniya ko bata sakun ki mein roj Pakistan ki maa ch**ta hoon.Jai Hind!
6. A man sees a girl wearing T shirt which reads HANDLE WITH CARE. Next day he wears a jeans which says CANDLE WITH HAIR.
7. Mother ask daughter. How is your married life? Daughter shyly showsher British Airways Ad. Mother reads the Ad and is shocked. It said-7days a week, twice a day, Bothways!
8. Samundar kinare baithe hain,lehar kabhi to aayegi, kismat badle nabadle ....G***D TOH DHUL JAYEGI !
A husband wrote a letter:
"My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 yearold body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value youas a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you willnot wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening withmy 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't beperturbed - I shall be back home before midnight."
When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining roomtable:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like totake this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.Atthe same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like yoursecretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and withyour excellentknowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the samesituation,although with one small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
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